CREATING METHODS OF HAPPINESS, PEACE & SUCCESS

Topics for the ‘Personal Growth’ Category

 

How to get over the guy, that’s no good for you.



 

You have loved him and you have hated him. You have laughed, cried, made adjustments, compromises; but the relationship just doesn’t work out.

It seems that you have tried everything to make it better

but, nothing seems to work.

 

And sometimes you see glimpses of hope, yet they are quickly shattered.

And you promise yourself that this will be the last time, yet, it isn’t.

You spend countless nights thinking, “what’s wrong with me?” “I need to let go of this already” but your heart still yearns for him.

 

Why is it so confusing and difficult?

 

One of the reasons that letting go is tough is because neurons that fire together wire together. Basically, it becomes a habit.

 

What that means is that your experiences become embedded in a network of brain cells and each time you repeat a particular thought or action, you strengthen the connection between your neurons.

So, the more you think of him, the more he will still be around- at least in your head.

The good news is that once you stop focusing your attention on him, the connection will weaken and letting go will be easier.

 

Here are some ways to let him go, opt-out, process the loss, accept and move on:

 

1) Stop calling, texting, emailing, or checking on him via social media. That reinforces your neuron loop.

 

2) Stop analyzing the situation. If you need to do it one more time then, make it final. Come to a conclusion. It helps to write down all the reasons that this relationship does not work out for you. Why are you not happy? Get clear.

Let go of the fantasies, the “what if’s” and “if only” and the rationalizing of unacceptable behavior.

 

3) Don’t blame yourself or second-guess yourself. Nobody’s perfect. Perhaps you have made some mistakes, but regardless, you deserve better. Accept this relationship as an experience. Ask yourself, what can I learn from this?

 

4) Show yourself some love. Do things that feed your spirit and make you happy. Sometimes the smallest things have the biggest impact. Reconnect with yourself.

 

5) If you find yourself obsessing, start practicing mindfulness. Take a deep breath. Say, STOP out loud to yourself and visualize a stop sign.

Now, divert your attention to your breath as it flows in and out. Stay in the present moment. Repeat to yourself, “I choose healthy & happy”.

When you obsess about something, it is a situation from the past that you are still attached to in an unhealthy manner. Let it go!

 

He’s not the one. Let him go.

Make space for something better.

 

Develop a new mantra ~ I Choose Healthy & Happy ~

I can say this instead…



 

Instead of …                                     Try thinking…

 

– I’m not good at this                          – What am I missing?

 

– I’m awesome at this                         – I’m on the right track

 

– I give up!                                           – I’ll use a different strategy

 

– This is too hard                                – This may take some time & effort

 

– I can’t do math                                – I’m going to train my brain in math

 

– I made a mistake                             – Mistakes help me improve

 

– Its’ good enough                            – Is this really my best work?

 

– They don’t like me                         – I don’t need anyone’s approval

 

– I’m too impulsive                          – I’m very spontaneous

 

 

 

 

Why Do People Cheat?



Why do people cheat in a relationship? It’s a conscious act. They know what they are doing. It’s considered cheating when your partner is not informed or in agreement with your lack of loyalty, physically or emotionally. Yet, it is not always easy to figure out how it came to be.

Physical infidelity is getting involved in a physically sexual manner with someone who is not your monogamous partner. Emotional infidelity is when you make an emotional romantic investment, without the physical component, with someone else. Emotional infidelity is not as clear-cut as physical infidelity. It tends to develop slowly and can be a gateway to physical infidelity.

There are numerous reasons why someone cheats, including:

  • Sexual desire for someone else
  • Sexual addiction
  • Dissatisfaction with themselves
  • Dissatisfaction with their partner and relationship
  • Anger
  • Revenge
  • Boredom and seeking a novel experience
  • Thrill
  • Emotional disconnection
  • Opportunity
  • A sense of entitlement
  • Learned behavior from a parent
  • Low self esteem and insecurity
  • Feeling overwhelmed in the current relationship

But, what about love? Can you cheat on your partner and still love them?

The short answer is, “it depends”. We are human. People make mistakes. It really depends on a variety of factors – the circumstances, the reasons, and certainly the way you define love.

Infidelity is complicated. It elicits strong emotions from both the person cheating as well as the partner who has been cheated on and no matter who does it or why, it’s going to impact your relationship.

Many relationships end due to infidelity and others renew and thrive. Understanding the dynamics of what went wrong is the first step towards recovery.

 

For a New Beginning



“For a New Beginning” by John O’Donohue

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

Spring Clean Your Behaviors



“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage”
– Anais Nin

 

Spring Cleaning Your BehaviotSpring is a time of new beginnings. It is a time to let go of behaviors that no longer make you happy and commit to making changes.

What are some behaviors that you would like to change? Have you picked up some bad habits? Is fear stopping you from doing something?

What would help you begin that change process? Take the first step.

Here are 4 Steps to Help You Start the Change Process

1. Identify what behavior you want to change and know why you must change it. Consider the reasons why the old behavior just doesn’t serve you anymore and the benefits of the new one. Commit to your new desired behavior.

2. Set yourself up for success by preparing yourself mentally and physically for action. Begin by writing down what you have committed to and posting it somewhere that you can see it often. Be sure to include the “why” you are doing it.  Identify any obstacles and triggers that may jeopardize you and write down the solutions for these obstacles. Set up the supplies or circumstances that will help you achieve your desired results, this includes a support system. Join a gym. Throw out the cigarettes and buy carrot sticks and tic-tac’s instead. Set timers. Go buy a week’s worth of greens. Whatever your goal is-take action!

3. Take action. Think. Get clarity. Identify what you want and then commit to taking an actionable step towards your goal daily. This is where the real magic happens.

4. Maintain your new behavior by reminding yourself of the reason it’s important. Satisfaction with your new behavior is dependent upon your expectations. Keep your expectations realistic. Significant change takes time. Change is a process not an event. Slowly but surely you will meet your goals.

Maintain your new behavior for at least 30 days so a new habit begins to take place. And if you relapse to your old ways, just return to the desired behavior. It is not a sign of failure but rather another opportunity to make you stronger.

 

Celebrate Self- Love



…Because self-love extends from how we treat ourselves to how we relate to everything and everyone around us.

It’s a small shift in perspective, prompted by a smile or a kind gesture or a “just because” moment that creates magical ripples.

Love requires action and it can be expressed easily through sharing and caring. It inspires kindness, connection and gratitude. It feels good for us. It feels good for others.

Self-love is contagious.

The moment we start celebrating love for ourselves, experiences shift.

Relationships blossom. Health improves. And life begins to feel ridiculously good.

So honor who you are. Stay true to your needs. Do what truly feels right for you. Do it with grace, do it with ease. Do it for others.

Loving yourself is not a one-time event and it certainly does not have conditions. It’s a natural, non-selfish way to attract love and spread love to those around us.

Self- love comes from within. By loving ourselves, we open the doors for others to do the same.

Celebrate… Expand… Share the love.

Dispute the Negative Self-Talk



The hard part about self-talk is that it always feels true. Even though your thoughts might often be biased or incorrect, you tend to assume that they’re facts.

Self-talk is often skewed towards the negative, and sometimes it’s just plain wrong. If you are experiencing depression, it is particularly likely that you interpret things negatively. That’s why it’s useful to keep an eye on the things you tell yourself, and challenge some of the negative aspects of your thinking.

With practice, you can learn to notice your own negative self-talk as it happens, and consciously choose to think about the situation in a more realistic and helpful way.

Learning to dispute negative thoughts might take time and practice, but is worth the effort. Once you start looking at it, you’ll probably be surprised by how much of your thinking is inaccurate, exaggerated, or focused on the negatives of the situation.

Whenever you become aware you’re feeling depressed, angry, anxious or upset, use this as your signal to stop and reflect on your thoughts. Use your feelings as your cue to reflect on your thinking.

A good way to test the accuracy of your thoughts might be to ask yourself some challenging questions. These questions will help you to check out your self-talk to see whether your current view is reasonable.

 

Challenging Questions

 

There are four main types of challenging questions to ask yourself:

1. Reality testing

  • What is my evidence for and against my thinking?
  • Am I jumping to negative conclusions?
  • How can I find out if my thoughts are actually true?

2. Look for alternative explanations

  • Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?
  • What else could this mean?
  • If I were being positive, how would I perceive this situation?

3. Putting it in perspective

  • What is the best thing that could happen?
  • Is there anything good about this situation?
  • Will this matter in five years’ time?

4. Using goal-directed thinking

  • Is this way of thinking helping me to achieve my goals?
  • What can I do that will help me solve the problem?
  • Is there something I can learn from this situation, to help me do it better next time?

 

Recognizing that your current way of thinking might be self-defeating (i.e. it doesn’t make you feel good or help you to get what you want) can sometimes motivate you to look at things from a different perspective.

Changing the way you think about things may not be easy at first, but with time and practice, you will get better.

Try it out – it’s worth the effort. Let me know how it goes.

 

repost from www.reachout.com

 

Everybody Needs Somebody Sometimes…



Do you try to do everything yourself?  You’ve got this, right!

You can handle it-

Your Job- clients, bosses, co-workers deadlines, salesEverybody needs
Your Finances- banks, payments, budgets, funds
Your Family- husband, wife, kids, parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, pets
Your House- cooking, cleaning, laundry, repairing, decorating
Your Health- physically, mentally, spiritually

And the list continues. As a matter of fact, take a moment to break down the categories above and write down what each of them entails.
Yep, you’re doing a lot of work! Every day. Over and over again.

And why?

Perhaps, you like things done your way. Maybe, you think asking for help is a sign of weakness. Asking for help may even put you in a vulnerable spot. Heck, you might even get rejected or misinformed.

Regardless, somewhere along the line you came to believe that independence is the key to happiness and success.  And it may be- to a certain extent. You can be smart, successful, independent, and do anything you need to do or want to do.

But sooner or later, something will knock you down and you will need help getting back up. It might be something big and not so good, like a health crisis or a job loss or a divorce. It might be something big and very good, like a new business you are launching or relocating or joining forces with someone else. Maybe even winning the lottery.

And at times like this, you might need a housekeeper, a nanny, a financial advisor, a marriage counselor or a doctor. Some just need their family or their friends. But everybody needs somebody sometimes.

Now Or Later



Now Or Later Image

Procrastination is a psychological behavior that affects everyone to some degree or another. For some people it can be a minor problem; for others it is a source of considerable stress and anxiety.

 

One of the reasons children procrastinate is because they do not find the task fun or interesting. In fact, they tend to put off boring tasks until someone calls them out on it. Even then, they usually underestimate the time needed and effort that the task requires. Another reason may be that they do not feel confident that they can do what is asked of them. They may feel overwhelmed or confused on what to do first.

 

The following tips can help your child stop procrastinating:

 

  1. Set firm rules at home. Whether it’s completing homework or picking up their room, make sure that your child knows what is expected of him. Set basic rules such as “no TV until homework is done, checked and packed”. The trick here is to be consistent with the rule.
  2. Chunk it down. Some children need a series of baby steps to get them going. Start by organizing what needs to occur. Creating a visual that shows them step-by-step what to do often helps with the feeling of overwhelm. Include how much time each task should take.
  3. Get rid of perfectionism. Let them know that the goal is to get started, not necessarily to do it perfect. They can always tweak it later. If your child is stuck, just help them so they can keep going and not give up. Remember the goal is to get them going.
  4. Celebrate what they accomplish. Don’t wait until the end to say, “good job”, instead inspire them to continue what they are doing. You can say, “ you’re doing good- making progress” or

“almost done- keep going”.

 

Procrastinating is a habit. Your child needs your help to remind them that they will be able to start and complete the task. So instead of just telling them what to do, offer some support and jump in when needed. After a while, you will see that their confidence rises and they may not need your help anymore.

 

 

 

Stinking Thinking can really make you mad



stinkingthinkingAnger triggering thoughts often distort our view of reality.  Here are some of the most common negative thoughts that feed anger and how to get rid of them.

Blaming. The belief that someone else is responsible for a situation and that you cannot do anything about it. By blaming others you discount that you have the power to make choices that impact your situation. You feel powerless, helpless and stuck. You expect someone else to fix it.

  • Instead think– “What can I do to change this situation?” “ I can do something about this”

Magnifying. The tendency to make mountains out of molehills – to make an uncomfortable situation worst. Using words like “awful, terrible, unbearable, horrible, the worst”, provoke an exaggerated angry response.

  • Instead think– “ How horrible is this, really? “  “It’s irritating but I can handle this”

Universal labels. The use of black and white thinking and judgments – seeing a person as “totally evil” or “completely selfish” and ignoring the good bits.

  • Instead think-  “ This is a problem or a bad choice but he/she is not a horrible person.”

 Misattributions. Jumping to conclusions and mind-reading; assigning negative motivations to the actions of others. You don’t ask for clarification or feedback because you think you already know.

  •  Instead think- What else might be going on? Can there be another explanation?

Overgeneralization- The use of “always”, “never”, “always”, “nobody”, “everybody”. Thoughts like “she’s always late” or “he never listens” fuel the angry situation.

  •  Instead think- “ How often does this happen? Are there times when it hasn’t happened?”

Demanding/Commanding- Imposing your own values and needs on others who may have very different values and needs. Feeling that your needs require other’s compliance.

  • Instead think- “ I would rather things were different but I can get through this.” “Not getting what I want is not the end of the world”

By practicing a bit of mindfulness you can turn around your cognitive distortions immediately and hence, get rid of anger.