CREATING METHODS OF HAPPINESS, PEACE & SUCCESS

Topics for the ‘Relationships’ Category

 

How to Recognize and Heal Your Abandonment Issues



AbandonmentIf you’re a woman dealing with abandonment issues, know that healing is absolutely possible.

Abandonment issues show up in many ways. The first step is to recognize where these issues originate. More often than not, it’s the result of having an unavailable parent while growing up. Research shows that females who have an absent or unstable father are likelier to have low self-esteem, more unplanned pregnancies, drop out of school, and face poverty. They’re also more likely to be promiscuous, since they look for other males to fill the emptiness.

But the absence of a dad can reveal itself in more subtle ways too. Women tend to choose romantic partners based on their relationship with their father, so if you didn’t get unconditional love and approval from your dad, it can certainly hinder your romantic relationships. If your dad didn’t show you—on a consistent and frequent basis—that he loved and valued you, that he’d protect you, and you could depend on him, you may lack self-confidence, give too much of yourself, stay quiet when you shouldn’t, and have difficulty saying no. You may continue to be scared that people will abandon you and consistently keep trying to prove your worth

—a fear that can lead to depression, codependence, anger, anxiety, or emotional instability.

If you didn’t have the benefit of dependable daily influence from a caring parental figure growing up, however, you can still break the cycle and become the best woman you can be. The key is to work diligently though your abandonment issues. Therapy will focus on both your childhood abandonment trauma as well as your current relationships. You’ll learn to be compassionate toward yourself about your own feelings and memories of abandonment. You’ll also learn how to separate your fear of the past from your present reality, and how to care for yourself by finding a safe and calm center. Soon you’ll be better able to communicate your needs in intimate relationships and develop stronger trust in—and more nurturing relationships with—other people. In short, you’ll be able to shift from being a victim to having a proactive stance.

Forgiving whoever abandoned you (whether it was your dad or someone else)—and forgiving yourself—is part of being able to recognize when related issues are coming up and taking your life in a more positive direction.

How to deal with a declining sex life in marriage



decline

Sex—or, more accurately, the lack thereof—is a huge reason couples come to therapy. It’s not unusual for psychologists to hear couples confessing that they haven’t been intimate in months or years. Or that intimacy has come to involve a lot of resentment or even infidelity.

There are many reasons that lead to a diminishing sex life in marriage. One thing to consider if you’re dealing with lack of sex in your marriage is that stress can have a huge impact on your sex life. Partners react to stress by getting distracted, overworking, and feeling angry or tired—all of which can easily lead to a lack of desire. Stress can also be a key factor in feeling “not in the mood,” or not wanting to be touched.

If either of you have too much stress your lives, try to share what’s really bothering you with your spouse. If the stress is coming from something that the two of you are conflicted about, you can either bring that to therapy or work through it at home, if you’re both committed to listening attentively to each other.

Besides stress, other reasons for a dwindling sex life can include anything from a partner feeling hurt, rejected, unappreciated, or neglected. Communication issues, lack of trust, and the presence of children are also big contributing factors.

To start healing the situation, first know that being anxious about the lack of sex will only make things worse. Try not to think negatively about the situation; instead, focus on creating intimacy. Act to relieve your own stress though whatever means work for you, be it yoga, a bubble bath, reading, exercising, sleeping, eliminating detrimental thinking patterns, and so on. If you need to communicate to your spouse that you’re unsatisfied with your sex life, don’t frame it as a complaint. Use compassion and sweetness with phrasing like, “I miss you.”

Work to help your spouse relieve his or her stress too. Make sure you’re doing fun stuff together—go for a bike ride, take a class, whatever you both enjoy—and make sure to stay connected. Intimacy isn’t all about sex—emotional intimacy can be just as powerful—so remember the importance of doing things like holding hands, taking a bath for two, giving each other massages, and just laughing together.

You can even schedule sex. Sure, it doesn’t sound all that romantic, but sometimes, in hectic lives, actively planning for intimacy can be one of the only solutions. Mark the calendar for “date night”  once a week (or at least once a month) and make it as romantic as possible—candles and music always help—including providing for a clear situation and time when sex can happen.